Friday, January 6, 2012

The reluctant bride revisited

Sometimes you get an unexpected helping hand from an unexpected source.

Two of my last three posts have touched on the subject of The Reluctant bride, even though this was not meant to be the main focus of the posts.

And then I found this on Dalrock:

'The one that got away'

where a Katy Perry video showing an elderly married woman pining away for her ex-lover is shown and analysed.

This is what Dalrock advises:
This should serve as a warning to men considering marriage; check very carefully for this sort of vibe. Women often feel entitled to nurse this sort of “poor me” feeling, regardless of how good a husband you are. This is also why you need to take your potential wife’s past sexual history very seriously.

It is precisely because I am privy to female nature that I agree with Dalrock's advice to men.
But I spot a potential fatal flaw.

This is also why you need to take your potential wife’s past sexual history very seriously.

This refers to the truism that if a woman has had many sexual partners, she may be less likely to bond to any one man.
On the whole, I cosign this. But I am well aware that there are two important caveats here:

1. There are always exceptions which prove the rule.

2. Very importantly, sometimes the individual circumstances in which a woman engages in sexual activity are crucial to decipher her motives.

Some men might respond to No 2 that whatever the circumstances, the risk of potential cuckoldry remains high, as history can always repeat itself. I cannot argue with that.

What caught my attention with Dalrock's last sentence was the implication of the reverse situation.
That if the woman is a virgin, you are relatively safe.

He does not actually conclude this, but I think it is a possible assumption.

The assumption that a woman needs sex to bond with a man.

Like Dalrock's wife, I too abhor the situation where a reluctant bride forges on into marriage/longterm relationship only to destroy that relationship because she cannot get another man out of her mind.
Like Dalrock's wife, I too have seen this play out and it is not pretty to watch.

In some of the cases of this nature that I know of, the woman was a virgin at the time of marriage.

Of course it is true that the hormone oxytocin which surges into the bloodstream post copulation promotes bonding. It is indeed the same hormone which promotes attachment of mother to baby too.

But...

A woman does not have to have sex in order to bond to a man.

There is a reason this hormone is also called the 'cuddle hormone'.
Sometimes, that's all it takes. A cuddle. A kiss. A handhold. A look.

If you are having trouble believing it, consider this.
An adoptive mother can bond incredibly well with her adoptive child. She never bore that child in her own womb. And yet she can bond to that child better than the child's own biological mother.

In the old days, women were able to properly bond to their prospective husbands prior to marriage. Sex was not required to make this process happen.

I know it's only a film, but it illustrates my point.
In my post on Pearl Harbour, I state that Evelyn would most likely have gone on to become Danny's reluctant bride had he not died in the war. And yet Danny is the one she had slept with. She had never slept with Rafe, her true love.

A woman truly bonds with only an incredibly small number of men in her lifetime. Usually, there is one at the top of the list.
She does not need to have slept with him for him to get there, way up above all the rest.

Gentlemen, make sure you are at Top Spot with your woman before jumping into longterm plans with her. (I know you already do!)
Even if she is a virgin.
Especially if she is a virgin.

Unless you are happy with No 2 spot.
Which is not a fun place to be.
The bitter men from the Manosphere already know that.


4 comments:

Bellita said...

I saw the Katy Perry music video the other day and was struck by the way it both contrasts with and parallels her personal life. When she is older, will be she be like the persona in her song/video, with nothing but regret for losing Russell Brand?

In sort-of related news, my friend R____ and I were discussing men and bonding the other day. Someone she is dating revealed to her that he cheated on a past girlfriend. Years ago, she would have rejected him immediately, thinking, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." What made her more open minded this time around was the realization that just because someone has never cheated in the past (kind of the moral equivalent of a virgin), it doesn't mean he (or she!) will never cheat in the future. Any sort of "virginity" is no guarantee of anything.

spacetraveller said...

Bellita,

"What made her more open minded this time around was the realization that just because someone has never cheated in the past (kind of the moral equivalent of a virgin), it doesn't mean he (or she!) will never cheat in the future. Any sort of "virginity" is no guarantee of anything".

This is hard to 'put out there' but it's true. I think R made a sensible decision.

Re Katy Perry, I am not at all sure she will regret Russell Brand...I don't know...

But I tell you who I think might regret her significant other...
Recent news of the split of Katherine Jenkins and Gethin Jones...because as the rumours go, she wants to further her career in the American market...
Hmmm...
She has had YEARS to break into the American market and has not quite succeeded.
Now is the prime time to settle down and have a family with the man who after 4 years is finally ready for that...and what does she do? She bails...
I feel very sad for Ms Jenkins. She is otherwise a sensible woman, I think.
So, in 10 years she may have captured America...
Then what?
(Shaking head in disbelief)

Anonymous said...

Well, first of all, I have to say I absolutely love your blog. You are very intelligent and logical woman, and I like hearing about Manosphere topics from womans hand.

However, this line caught my eye:

"Gentlemen, make sure you are at Top Spot with your woman before jumping into longterm plans with her. "

How do we make sure of that, especially considering the deceitfulness of the large majority of women today?

From your other post:
"Unless she has a secret agenda compelling her to overrule her ambivalence towards him and grit her teeth on the long walk to the altar.
Like her fertility is waning and she desperately wants a child, but not the man."

Isn't the woman like that dangerous? I mean, most guys are clueless and a woman like that would be able to trick them into beliving they are her first choice.

Anyway, thanks for taking a time to write this great posts. Looking foward to reading more from you.

spacetraveller said...

@ Anonymous,
Thanks for your nice words...much appreciated.

Yes, this woman is extremely dangerous.
I know women like this. They wreak havoc in the lives of anyone they encounter. Especially men.

Of course they are hard to detect. They are more skilled than your average woman.

A man has to have his wits about him. Take time to get to know a woman. Women will always figure out a man way earlier than a man would her. So he should test, analyse, assess carefully, taking his time. A keeper woman will pass the test.
The problem is many men jump in too early and get burned.
Others never take the plunge.

There is a happy medium in there somewhere.

Every man has to find that happy meduim for himself, as does every woman for that matter.

I think they should start teaching this stuff at school :-)