Validate a woman, respect a man

The mother in this family is a 'natural' at treating men and women differently. She knows how to validate a woman and respect a man.

One recent example of this comes to mind.

A dinner at a restaurant had been scheduled for a party of about 30 of us (work colleagues), including her. But unfortunately, the day before the dinner, the restaurant got flooded in a freak incident. Bizarre but true.
She, as the solo organising committee for this dinner was undeterred. With one day's notice, she singlehandedly fixed a gourmet dinner at her own house. For 30 people. At her own cost.
Admirable in itself.

But what sticks in my memory about that evening is what she did just prior to the dinner itself.

After laying out the delicious spread of various meals on the table, she made a big show of calling the men to table first. There was the usual mock protests from all the ladies, of course (all in good humour, I might add), all of us expecting the usual 'ladies first'.

The men were absolutely delighted. They were not expecting that at all.
She made up some cock-and-bull story about how she was sick and tired of the whole 'ladies first' thing and it was time the men had their turn at going first...She was clearly 'sucking up' to the men and they loved it. We the women were totally unimpressed with her :-)

At the end of the evening, the men reimbursed her for the cost of hosting the whole group at her home. They graciously paid for all the women too.

When they were leaving, I overheard one man say to her husband, "If only wife-swapping were legal in this country..."

All she had done was show a little bit of good humoured 'mock' respect to a group of men. They were more than happy to oblige with chivalrous behaviour.
Imagine what they would have done with a more serious display of respect.

Because the need for respect is hard-wired into a man. From within, in the guise of his self-worth, and from others in his entourage.

Some of the men at that party had never known a day of respect in their entire married lives.
Shame, because in fact, it is an easy thing for a woman to do. Especially if she chose her Top Spot man.

That dinner was of course no example of validation of the women, by our hostess. Our 'rights' had been taken away from us. So naturally we were seething. We would have been quite happy to do what red pill men want to do with manginas: take him to the courtyard and publicly flog him.
Until, that is, the men paid for us :-)
Until, that is, the men validated us.
There was no obligation on their part to pay for us. They just did it. Just because. They made us feel special. Like we were worth being spoiled.
Even if we did not collectively merit that, necessarily.

Here is another example of validation of a woman.
As a child, I remember being amused by my grandparents' displays of affection during visits to their home. Grandma would call Grandpa the equivalent of 'The Boss' and he would call her the equivalent of 'Babydoll'.
'Babydoll'.
She looked anything but, given that at that time she was pushing 60.
But appearance is important to a woman. Sure, she knows she is not 21 anymore. But it makes her feel important if someone tells her that, to him, she might as well be.

Women feel important for what they are, men feel important for what they do.
Those two were the best kind of role model there could ever be for us kids.
Twenty years after his death, Grandma was still singing the praises of 'The Boss'. Even though while he was alive, he was hardly an angel. And she had complaints about him a foot long. But you would never have known it unless you were part of the family.

Because she respected him and he loved her.

Women do not need to hear they are respected. They only need to feel it.
A woman's favourite three words (from a man if she is heterosexual) are 'I love you'.
It is never 'I respect you'.
Love is more important to a woman than respect when it comes to 'building' her up.
'I respect and love you' is perfect.
'I respect you', on its own is not.

A woman's source of self-importance tends to be external. She usually needs to be validated by someone else. Otherwise she feels less than desirable, less than feminine.

Many women have learned to live without this external validation. This is admirable because it is not easy to do.

A man's self-worth is always internal.
Everyone around him can tell him how great he is. If he does not believe it himself, he will never be swayed into believing it by someone else.
His own accomplishments determine how he sees himself.

From the above observations, it is easy to see why a woman is easier to encourage than a man.
All she needs to hear is, 'you can do it' and she is off and away.
A man needs to be able to tell himself  he can do anything. Otherwise, he just won't do it.

From the above observations, it is easy to see why a woman can be easily led astray by a skilled pick up artist (PUA) or the wrong 'herd' of fellow women.
All she needs to hear is "you're beautiful, I love you" and the rest is history.
Or she might hear "you're not fat, sweetie, you're just 'big-boned', you are absloutely fabulous just the way you are!" and the rest is not history.
A woman can definitely be 'persuaded' into all sorts of things. This is why women make better hypnosis subjects than men.

From the above observations, it is easy to see why a  woman's greatest fear is abandonment.
Someone who once validated her is no longer willing to do so. She feels she has failed as a 'people connector' which is supposed to be her best skill.

A man realising his greatest fear (cuckoldry, betrayal by a woman) suffers a masive blow to his self-image: his criteria for assessment were all wrong.
Some woman outsmarted him. Nothing more irksome to a man than losing any kind of competition, especially to a woman.

Having his own strong sense of accomplishment AKA self-worth intact, the single most important virtue a man needs from outside of himself is respect, especially coming from his own 'camp' - his own family and then secondly, from his 'competitors' - his rivals at work and play.

For a woman, the concept of 'respect' is a foreign one usually, except in the realm of womanly virtue. This is perhaps why no woman can stand to be seen as a word rhyming with 'rut'. Even if  by the standards of the times, she is technically one.

She would rather be validated than respected in everything else.
A man would pick respect over validation any day.



If anyone is interested in 'evidence' (effectively, just someone else's opinion), part of my formulation of thought on this theme comes from Dr. Emerson Eggerich's book, Love and respect. I have found his theories to be true. A good summary of the book is to be found here.