Thursday, April 5, 2012

The special snowflake

Re the women of The Manosphere:

"...We get accused of playing special snowflake..."

This comment by Just Visiting made me think more ardently about something I had been reflecting on for a while anyway.

It is indeed something I too have noticed about the Manosphere.
If I got a penny for each time I have had to defend womanhood in general by declaring NAWALT, I would be a seriously rich gal by now :-)

Re the 'special snowflake thing, I think this is a good example of what I will call the 'Trust me' syndrome.
There are some people who automatically clam up when someone begins their statement with 'Trust me'...
I know people who would run away holding their head in their hands whenever someone says to them, 'Trust me, I'm a doctor', or 'Trust me, I am ....(insert your own platitutude).

Such people are immediately programmed to switch off or not trust. Kinda like a reflex defence mechanism.
I think most men (and admittedly a lot of women too) are like this.

Men are not swayed by words as much as women. They live by the principle that no-one need advertise what they are. In other words, a real special snowflake is the one who is not saying she is :-)

You got it - another paradox!
They will look for evidence that she is a special snowflake by her actions. Women should do this too, but tend to be rather behind the men when it comes to this perhaps. I think It doesn't come so naturally to women because women are naturally more trusting than men - until experience teaches otherwise of course. Men are born, it seems, with a healthy dose of skepticism. I think they do let it slip occasionally just long enough to trust a woman they will eventually marry and it is kind of 'luck of the draw' if they get it right or not...


A man is programmed to look for evidence of 'special' in a woman, because he does not need to see a woman as special initially to get attracted to her because beauty (his attraction trigger) is in fact not unique, I have now realised. There are many beautiful women in the world.

A woman has to see a man as unique enough to be atrracted. For a man, no. Most women are attractive, physically. (But this is perhaps changing with a new phenomenon which I can't possible go into in this post - loaded with dynamite and I am not ready to be shot to bits for something that's not quite totally relevant to this post anyway. I shall stay out of this trap for now :-)

A man is on the lookout for the special snowfake in a woman as soon as his infatuation has worn off. That is, he is now in a position to test her mettle to see if she is a good fit for him (By this time, usually, a woman has already finished with her assessment of him - because if she is LTR-minded at least, she would have been looking for things that make him unique straightaway).

As they say, everyone is a legend in their own lunchtime.

We are all unique, at least to ourselves.

So even if a man ain't listening,a woman might still  shout from the rooftops (figuratively speaking of course) that she is SPECIAL, DAMMIT!

Clearly counterproductive and illogical, given what we know about men, but there we are...
Some women appear to do exactly this. In some men's eyes, at least. And there's nothing fiigurative about it. It is sadly all too literal.
Train wreck of a show when such women are 'sacrificed' on the altar of Manosphere Church.

Fair or fowl?

Like 'playing the victim', there is something comforting about a woman telling (certainly herself, but others too) that she is 'special'. Is this a femininity thing? I was never like this in the heyday of my tomboy phase :-)

Is this a necessary part of being a woman?

Or am I looking for an excuse to endorse 'attitude' in a woman when there is no need for this type of thinking?

Are men using this 'soft neg' as a way of browbeating women into submission? Or is this a harmless tease in the manner described in 'The shock factor'?

I am not knocking this Manosphere theme. There are some women who are far too entitled for their own good. Come to think of it, so are some men, but this post will focus on women since we are 'the accused' right now :-)

I agree it would be helpful for women to curb this tendency. I totally agree this is where the 'rationalisation hamster' can get out of hand and go into fatal overdrive.
But as usual, to make a point, people often pick the extreme cases. Fair enough - it is hard to be subtle and make an important point all at the same time.

I get that.

But is it ever helpful for a woman to stop telling herself she is special?
I think not.

The only problem is, whatever one tells oneself tends to be revealed in one's attitude :-)
Shame, because it would be great to have the required high self esteem without the apparent arrogance that comes with telling all and sundry that one is 'special'.
In all seriousness I can see how a woman who is too arrogant can be a turn off to men.

I think it's like how a man could be seen as a 'lovable rogue' but a woman is never a 'lovable b*tch'.

Like how a man can be irreverent and easily forgiven - a woman tries to do the same and she is heavily penalised - in most cases.

In each case, it is the audience that counts.

I will find an irreverent woman or man funny. I am not sure a man would find an irreverent woman funny, at least not in a way that benefits her.

I remember when Portuguese football (soccer) manager Jose Mourinho first got appointed as manager to Chelsea football club in London.
He was immediately making waves with his cocky 'I am 'The Special One' mantra. It was funny.

Was it funny because he is a man?

Somehow, a woman doing the same thing would be seen in a different light, if we are all honest about it.

I have to add here that in Mourinho's case, he was in fact justified in his attitude, because he really was special. He went on to lead several clubs to football glory. So he clearly knew what he was doing :-)
But what happens when a woman tells herself she is special?

With regards to the SMP, two things can happen.

1. She believes rightly or wrongly that she deserves better, based on her own self-assessment.
This only works against her if she has grossly overestimated her own worth.

But I think it is intrinsicallly good for a woman to feel good about her own worth. Wthout this 'feel good factor' bad things will happen to her. Low self worth is usually followed by evidence to prove the low self worth. And actually, the man she picks is automatically disrespected.


Because she is telling that man that she is low-value, and she is picking him.

Do men want to be with a low value woman? I guess not. Do men wnat to be with a woman who believes she is low value? Same answer - I guess not.

A high value woman is an asset. To herself and any man she picks. Because it is the ultimate respect to a man to get a woman who he believes and also just as importantly who the woman herself believes to be super.
The problem is when the high-value woman is so 'great' she cannot find anyone 'great' enough for her. Pie in the sky stuff.


2. She believes (usually wrongly) that all or most men are not just less than she is, but are less than they actually are. This is a whole other animal, and very different from 'I am special'. This is now hypergamy on steroids.

Needless to say, this is what makes men seethe. I can understand this somehow.

The special,snowflake...
The Manosphere is not wrong about this.
But it is not completely right either.

The 'special snowflake' is every woman. And it is a product of 'the hamster'. It can be good or bad, loud or quiet, depending on the woman. It can be real or imagined, depending on the criteria the man is using.

But the irony is that most women are really 'the same', to most men, and it is men who have to be unique in order for 'the special snowflake' to be attracted to him in the first place.

It is the man who has to 'peacock'.

But he never says he is 'special'.
He prefers to show he is special.
He knows he is special and doesn't care who agrees or disagrees.
He is as he is. Take it or leave it.

Because he was born with, or acquired truckloads of confidence from somewhere. Err, can't think where :-)
And he can't stand a woman who says she is special.
Whether or not she actually is.

Bitter red pill for women to swallow.
But there we are.

C'est la vie.


just visiting said...

But the irony is that most women are really 'the same', to most men, and it is men who have to be unique in order for 'the special snowflake' to be attracted to him in the first place.


Quite the problem. We're all the same and they're invisible.

But I disagree that men are programmed to see the special in women. A woman who doesn't learn how to do her own version of peacocking ends up collateral damage.

I've mentioned before on various blogs that it takes time fora woman to display these traits. Current manosphere wisdom doesn;t allow for that time frame. So, in a rushed and aggressive smp, if you can't show, you tell. But then you're a snowflake. Lol.

Spacetraveller said...


Hope you had a brilliant Easter!
I am back after a little hiatus. Sorry for the late response to your comment.

I so agree with you that the current SMP is 'rushed'. No-one is allowed to stop and breathe anymore. If you blink, it's over, and 'Next'!

What I meant by men seeking the 'special' in a woman is after all the initial lovey-dovey phase, he needs to step back and judge whether she will make a good wife. An awful lot of men miss out this phase and pay for it later. Women are much better at picking a man suited to their needs much more than men in this respect. Because we have to :-)
Men are too blinded by love in the initial phase - at least that's what used to happen rather a the success of a marriage really depended heavily on the off-chance that he picked a good woman to begin with - even if he didn't know it at the time. Because if there was any vetting going on, it was usually being done by the woman, not the man. Nowadays, I think men are being more reticent and cautious...and in a strange way, I feel this might be a good thing for the next generation. Better quality marriages. Relationship expertise which used to be a woman's domain is fast becoming shared between the genders...interesting how this will pan out. I am not sure it is a man's natural habitat...I think a woman does it best because it is wired into her. But then again, who would have thought that women would be going out and bringing home the bacon a hundred years ago? I guess anything is possible in this world :-)