Sunday, March 18, 2012

The lovable rogue

So, to summarise the message about what men want in a woman, would I be correct in saying that a man wants a woman who is not a word rhyming with 'rut', but shows signs of and wants to become his word rhyming with 'rut'? He wants exclusive rights to her. Forever.
Or am I missing a huge piece of the puzzle?

Anyhow, I was thinking about what would summarise what women want in a man.
It struck me that all the articles/books/blogs and courses on 'Girl Game', i.e. teaching women to be more feminine all have one thing in common.
They all focus on getting women to adopt the attitude that all men are rogues. And to accept them as such.

Yes. It's true.
But don't panic.

I forgot the crucial word.
Lovable rogue.

That's it right there.

I think this is the source of a woman's love for any man. It doesn't even have to be a romantic partner. Absolutely any man.
It could be her father, her boss, her pervy co-worker, her annoying little brother.
If she can see all or most men as 'lovable rogues', she can handle any guy.

Maybe this is what went wrong with the whole nth wave feminism thing.
This crucial element of femininity flew out the window.
And for the first time in history, we had women who really hated men.
It may have started out as some weird form of p-envy like I suggested before, but then it certainly graduated into full-blown hatred in some cases.

And then the Pandora's box was well and truly opened, and we will have difficulty finding the lid nevermind closing the box.

All men are 'tricky b*st*rds' :-)
And we women being the celestial bodies that we are, have to put up with them :-)


I think there is an inbuilt 'male tolerance' hourglass device that all women are born with. I have no scientific proof for this apparel but I think I can see evidence of its existence.
Look how little girls adore Daddy and then forty years later how the same girl might treat her beta husband.

Allow me to explain.
I think this hourglass device is filled up to the brim with sand at birth. Look at it like the biological clock thing. A woman has a finite number of eggs and a finite tolerance to men from Day 1.
Both can only deplete with time.

If a girl has good experiences with men throughout her life, her hourglass thing will still be relatively full even in her fifties.

If she has to deal with more than her fair share of 'Swiss bankers'** in whatever shape or form that may take, the device gets emptied out alarmingly rapidly.
And when she's out, God help the next guy she stumbles across.
Not her fault, perhaps?
Same as you wouldn't blame a car if it wouldn't start because you didn't put petrol in it?
I dunno.

So, how does a woman avoid depleting her stores of 'man tolerance'?
I really don't know.

Some women perhaps have a huge supply.
These women are probably at risk of becoming the Mama of  Mama's boys. Or the 'enabler' as in the sister or female cousin of a Mama's boy. These women are (annoyingly, to other women) very protective of their menfolk, sometimes unreasonably so :-). And they are almost always a product of patriarchy as opposed to matriarchy.
Others are born with small quantities to begin with.
Perhaps men would be better advised to find out the size of this device in a woman rather than checking out the size of her 'rack', but somehow, I don't think this would work, because that would be like asking gorillas to stop eating bananas :-)

Having a good Dad can certainly help. Because he is the first man in a woman's life.
Having  a good Mother is crucial here, because she can cultivate this attitude in a girl from a young age. And how Mother treats Father, in front of daughter goes a long way in her 'education' on men.

But how can men themselves avoid getting the raw end of the deal?

Well, women already think you are a rogue. Even your mother. Especially your mother :-)
If you don't believe me, try eavesdropping on her next conversation with the girl who lives four doors down from you. You know, your ex.
Huh? You didn't know she was still talking to your ex?
*shakes head*
Trust me, she is. And she is telling her all about your recent shenanigans.

But that's all good.
The fact that you are considered a rogue is not all bad.
Beacuse you could be a lovable one.
Good job you don't have to 'game' your mother or your sisters because they already think you are lovable and that the sun rises and sets on your __________.
(Unless you did something bad to upset them - ala Christian Bale and Eminem - and even so, after the 'cooling down' period, you will be back in everyone's good books again).

A man who demonstrates that he actually likes women can be forgiven all sorts of howlers by a woman who notices this.
Yes I am looking at you Danny :-)

The guys we all love to hate on and call 'badass alphas' are perhaps not all in the same category.
I am sure most of them are true 'badass alpha'.
But a few are perhaps 'mis-labelled'.
They are rogues who are actually truly lovable in the sense that they don't just turn on the charm when it suits them, but actually have a heart which they only reveal to precious few.
So they are lovable rogues, but only one 'special' woman gets to see that.
A good example might be Captain Corelli.

So, gentlemen, if this applies to you (you are 'looking', you are 'interested' or you 'might be tempted if the opportunity presents itself' :-) you will be happiest if you are some woman's 'lovable rogue'.

We all know you are not an angel :-) but in all fairness neither is this woman.

But she should see you as a lovable rogue such that no matter how unlovable you become to everyone else, to this woman, you will still be lovable, even if she needs some time to cool off after one of your 'antics'.

It is important to remember here that women are generally herd creatures. Some women are picky about which herd they belong to, but they are still herd creatures nonetheless.
If you are already surrounded by women who think you are a lovable rogue, i.e. mother and sisters, any new woman who joins the herd around you will adopt the herd mentality where you are concerned. If none of your female entourage think you are lovable, it would take a very brave woman indeed to take you on. These women exist of course, but they are rare, and you would have to be rather special for her to do this :-)

This is part of the deal with the whole female behaviour regarding 'preselection'.
It is an inbuilt female mechanism to ensure her own 'safety'. Her lovable rogue will not harm her. Even if he harms others (outside the herd).
Unfortunately, a woman is also capable of rationalising a truly bad man as a 'lovable rogue' when this is really not the case. But there we are.

Why would a woman do this?
Because she wants a 'lovable rogue'. So even if he is a true rogue, she will do her best to make him 'lovable' in her mind. Until it is clear that he is indeed just another rogue. Forget lovable - just another run-of-the-mill unlovable rogue. At this point, the end is nigh. Unless she can somehow find a way to top up on her hourglass device :-) Which usually involves some sort of divine intervention :-)

In general, though, for a successful longterm relationship, she, as the relationship expert, has to see you as this 'lovable rogue'. Real or imagined.
I know what y'all are thinking...
Wake up and smell the coffee, Spacetraveller! No such thing!

Ok, Ok, I hear ya.
Just saying...

I love the film 'Legends of the fall'.
If anyone has seen it, first one to volunteer which of the three brothers is the 'lovable rogue' and why, gets a gold star :-)
(Hint: This is not a trick question).

**Euphemism as is common in British 'Cockney rhyme' to describe a man who is 'not very nice'. Substitute 'w' for 'b' and remove the word 'Swiss'. If still not sure what it means, Wikipedia to the rescue!


just visiting said...

Experiences can make one bitter. Though I'm not sure if women with a high "hour glass" tolerance are always of the smothering mother type.
It depends if a mind set is cultivated to like men despite seeing or experiencing less than wonderful behavior.

I wonder if part of modern women losing the ability to see the lovable in men comes from not being socialized at a young age in the manner that women in previous ages were.

Case in point. My grandmother had a huge influence on me. She entertained quite often, and as a child I was called upon to help with hosting. Her instructions to me were to greet and find at least one or two things to compliment each person on. (poor grandma would be scandalized to know that her advice is now being dispensed by pua she had an eagle eye for lazyness in this department. If I tossed out the standard compliment to everyone, there was heck to pay. The compliment had to be tailor made to the individual. I think that this trained my psychology to dig for something interesting or likable about the men and women I was interacting with.

As for lovable rogues, they get away with

As for un lovable rogues, I suspect that the challenge women find with assholes ties in with this. They want to be the one who brings out the lovable rogue. Exclusively. Validation on steroids.

Charming Disarray said...

Lots of really interesting ideas in this. I really like your hourglass theory. It's also a reason why it's a so important for men to at least be polite and considerate (rather than thoughtless and rude) towards all women--because each tiny bad experience a woman has with a man, even if he's a total stranger, depletes the hourglass a little. All men being more polite to all women means more women who actually like men.

Concerning men whose mothers and sisters adore them which in turn influences other women to see him the same way, there's a guy I know who fits that description perfectly. And I totally fell for it at first. And then.....there were a few occasions where he showed he couldn't be counted on, and I now grow increasingly impatient with the worship he gets from his womenfolk. But maybe that's me being an "outlier" again. :P

Spacetraveller said...

@ JV,

"I wonder if part of modern women losing the ability to see the lovable in men comes from not being socialized at a young age in the manner that women in previous ages were."

Oh yes, I totally agree. This is an art that previous generations were taught more or less from birth, and it was taken for granted that all women had this 'training'. Not so anymore...

With more and more women being isolated from men, except when they encounter them at work or 'at play', there is no proper guidance as to how to view men.

The good news is, even in the absence of a father-figure (or older-brother figure) in the home, a good mother-figure, or grandmother-figure, or aunt-figure or big-sister figure could do the job very well if they themselves have this skill.

But it really needs to be taught. Hard to cultivate this mindset on one's own, methinks.

@ CD,

Your second paragraph made me laugh out loud. You know why?
I penned a draft for a post yesterday, which offers my take on exactly the point you make here. I wasn't going to publish it for a few days yet, but since you bring up this point, I shall post it tomorrow. It may not address your comment exactly, but I think it comes close. I do think you are an outlier, as you will see in the new post.

I love it when we start to read each other's minds like this...
You are filling in Bellita's shoes quite nicely in her absence this Lent.

Charming Disarray said...

Looking forward to reading it! (And gosh, being an outlier is exhausting. I'm not sure I recommend it.)

Grasshopper said...

@ CD and ST… re: this concept of depleting beads in an hourglass…

As a man I do not view it as my responsibility to keep your hourglasses full ladies. It is enough keeping my own full – you need to take responsibility for the condition of yours.

A lady who has depleted too many beads from her hourglass is said to have baggage. A good man may initially be taken in by your looks and your charm but surely he will be driven away if you bring too much baggage with you. No good man wants to be held to task for the misdeeds of every man in his lady’s past.

Learn to practice forgiveness. Jesus taught extensively on it. As good Catholic women I am sure you have heard many sermons on the topic.

Forgiveness is not simply letting things go. You absolutely have to set boundaries. You absolutely have to confront someone who crosses them. It may mean cutting someone out of your life that will not respect those boundaries.

I must say however that the most important benefit of forgiveness is that it gives every new person in your life a clean slate to start off with. I cannot emphasize enough how important that is.


dannyfrom504 said...

my sister warns her friends when they ask to meet me. lol. all the girls i'm friends with tell their female friends, "he's a sweetie, but look out....that boy knows what he's doing."

Spacetraveller said...

@ Grasshopper,

Well, of all the lovable rogues who comment here, you are proving to be one of the most lovable :-)

I was hoping one of you gentlemen would say what I hoped the OP was all about.
Et voilĂ , you just did, Grasshopper.

So thank you.

You know, writing this post, I became painfully aware that I could never write a post entitled 'The lovable b*tch'.
Because there is no such thing as a lovable b*tch. (Not to a man anyway).
Because that is one of Nature's truest oxymorons and I don't care what Sherry Argov says on this matter.
Because although a lesbian could coexist with a harridan, a man is not naturally endowed with such tolerance unfortunately. He could learn, of course, if he is willing. (Back to the greasy pole analogy, I'm afraid, NC :-)
Herein lies a fundamental difference between men and women, I have noticed.
It is Nature's way that a woman builds connections/relationships. On that we are all agreed, right?
Nature is no fool.
She (Mother Nature) endows women with this 'tolerance' to men to enable them in their task of 'relationship expertise'. This is how Nature aids and abets women in their quest to fulfil their hopes and dreams.
Previous generations kept to Nature's script, in the main.

Then feminism stepped in and the rest as they say is history...

Bellita made this comment under the post 'Is God gaming me'?

"Some Catholic men I know were discussing Marian devotion on one of their blogs. One man put it this way: "To a man, mercy wears a female face."

And I would say that the takeaway lesson for a woman Marian devotee is to make her own face a face of mercy."

I (and clearly Bellita too - although I can't and should not speak for her) am not making excuses for men. Not at all. Men have their own crosses to bear.

I think we just realise that a big part of 'Girl Game' is to do what does not come naturally to a man. Unconditionally love.
(Yes there are extreme cases where this is just nigh impossible, I know. Again I am talking general principles).

Who'd have thunk? I have finally found the female version of 'outcome independence'.
It's simply called unconditional love.
And the last 50 years have ensured that women try their hardest to get rid of it.
To all our detriment.

So thank you Grasshopper for shining a light on something forgotten.
And thanks as well to Bellita for her little gems of sagacity.

Your suggestions to women in your last comment are what I would call good advice, Grasshopper.
Forgiveness is a good place to start.
I am a firm believer in the principle of 'recovery'. I really am.
You say a woman who has depleted her hourglass device is one with 'baggage'.
True. Everyone has 'baggage'.
Many women do try to top up on their hourglass device if required.
Oh yes. And guess what? This is done curtesy of 'the rationalisation hamster'.
The hamster is not always used for foolish purposes, you know. Sometimes your friendly hamster could save the day. As in when she rationalises that you are better than you really are :-)
For sure, the 'rat ham' could be a man's best friend, Grasshopper.
It could just be his very last 'get-out-of-jail-free' card!
(Haven't you been there, Grasshopper? Not yet? Ah, I see, you might be sooooo lovable you don't need any hamster to bail you out, huh. If so, way to go, you lucky bugger :-)

@ Danny,

Stay lovable, you big bad rogue, you :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm staying out of this one.

The Navy Corpsman

Spacetraveller said...

@ NC,

Chicken :-)

Anonymous said...

More like too smart to get caught up in this type of discussion. I tend to see people as individuals, rather than categories.

The Navy Corpsman